Angel Babies

Yesterday Brian and I found out, for the second time in my life, that the baby growing inside of me had no heartbeat.  It was devastating.  It got me thinking about a lot of things.  I am not sure what I believe or feel about miscarriages and if they are my babies, but I would like to believe that they were.  I would like to believe that I have two angel babies waiting for me and watching over me.

I had to go into the ultrasound alone this time while Brian sat out in the waiting room with McCoy.  I never have signs of a miscarriage.  I just go in and there is no heartbeat.  So I have already had 10 weeks to fall in love with this baby and convince myself that I am 1/4 of the way done with pregnancy!  I was laying awake at night planning the room and where we would put things for the baby and how McCoy would do as a big brother.  I was often giddy with excitement.  The ultrasound tech I had this time was less than sympathetic.  She just said, "well, it looks like there is nothing there.  Let me get the nurse."  I was then sent back out into the waiting room full of pregnant women to shake my head no to Brian and start bawling in front of everyone.

Many women are keeping miscarriages a secret like it is something to be ashamed of, but I am writing this down so that I remember how I felt.  I am heart broken and it is easy to feel like my body failed.  The ultrasound tech kept calling McCoy my term pregnancy.  I wanted to scream at her and say, "Call him by his name!  He has a name and a birth date and big blue eyes and a laugh that makes you so happy.  He is my accomplishment in my life.  He is my baby and my son!"

The first time I had a miscarriage was before McCoy and I felt like I would never be able to be a mom.  McCoy has been so tender watching me cry.  He knows something is wrong and he tries to make it better.  I am so grateful that I get to be his mommy and I never take that for granted.

I am also so grateful for my amazing family and Brian's amazing family.  We get so excited when we find out we are pregnant that we always tell them and I am grateful for that because it means we have support during the hard times.  I also have an incredible husband who is holding me while I cry and dealing with my many mood swings during this process.  I have never lost a baby at full term, but it still hurts at 10 weeks.  It hurts and as my mom said, "It sucks!"