Change of heart

On one of my particularly hard days last week, I told Brian that I was not enjoying being a mom like I thought I would.  We all have these romanticized notions in our head of how something is going to turn out and it is disappointing when it is not that way.

Well, McCoy must have heard me or known that I was feeling this way because he has upped his cuteness by 100%!  I am not saying that it is perfect now, but it is so much more fun!  He responds when I call his name and he reacts to more things. 

*I love reading books with him because he sits so still in my lap and "listens" as I make different voices and looks at the pictures.

*I make his stuffed animals talk to him in different accents and voices and he laughs like crazy!

*He has started imitating my facial expressions.  When he laughs, he squints his eyes, which Brian says that I do.  It is the CUTEST thing ever!

*He holds up his arms to be held when I come close to him.

*He laughs at me while he eats his food.

*He rubs my face when I feed him his bottles in the middle of the night.

*He snuggles close to me when he is done eating his bottle and goes right back to sleep.

I am not the perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination, but I am loving the journey and the woman that it is making me!

Photos courtesy of...

racheljonesphotos.com  I absolutely love having a photographer in the family!  She happens to love taking pictures and now I have a cute boy for her to take pictures of.  It is adorable because she gets so happy doing it and he loves all the attention.  They really are the perfect match :) 

My brother and sister-in-law Rachel came to visit over Martin Luther King weekend and here are some of the lovely spoils from their visit.  GO visit her website and give her a call!  You won't regret it!

Why?

Today I have been asking myself a lot of why questions.

"Why can't I be more patient with that student that pushes my buttons?"

"Why can't I come home from work and have a desire to make dinner for my husband?"

"Why can't I learn to think before I speak?"

But the biggest question today has been, "why did McCoy choose me as his mother?" Everyone told me that I would have some sort of mother's intuition when I had kids and that I would know if something was wrong with my baby. Well, something is wrong with my baby, but I have no idea what it is! He wakes up crying at night and won't take a bottle. He is skinny and we can't get him to eat more than 4 ounces every 3 hours. He arches his back and cries in pain when he eats sometimes. He has started refusing to eat solids and he has stopped napping in his crib. He is already on the reflux medication so it must be something else.

Another why..."why did Heavenly Father give me this difficult baby knowing that it kills me to not be able to fix something." I sit here shedding a few tears as I write this because my sweet baby is hurting and I can't fix it.

But isn't that the great thing about life. We are given all these why's and we figure out the answers along our journey. I have never been good with babies so maybe this is my chance to become more comfortable with babies and with myself.  Who knows.

All I know is that I love my little guy and I am SO glad he picked me to be his mommy!